Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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