yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
