i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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