i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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