I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
