apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
