I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Everclear isn't food dammit
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
