i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
