Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
sex in a hospital.. check
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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