Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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