My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
