so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
