He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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