Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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