Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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