I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
