ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
