Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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