Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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