Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
