I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
