Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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