Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
