I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
