Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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