Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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