saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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