We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
