marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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