Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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