Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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