I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
