Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
