Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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