In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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