i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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