Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
