She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
