I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
