is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize