Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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