You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So much rum. So many feels.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize