Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
