apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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