Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
