I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
