Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
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