Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
