the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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