I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
