My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
