I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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