he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
