I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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