i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
