My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
