i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
